Clean Jokes For Kids And Adults


Here we put together only clean jokes that are appropriate for children of all ages. Don’t forget to check another family friendly post about best clean knock knock jokes.

65 Clean Jokes

“Oh dad, look at the pretty boat!”
“It’s not a boat, it’s a yacht,” said the father.
“Oh, how do you spell yacht?”
“You’re right”, said the father, “it’s a boat.”
Two moms are chatting:
– You know, it’s been three months since my baby started walking.
– Wow! He must be pretty far by now.
A mother calls her daughter:
– Can you help me to change your brother?
– Why, is he already worn out?
A little boy asks his father:
– Dad what’s a hexagon?
– Umm… I don’t know, son.
– Dad, what is the capital of Australia?
– Umm… I don’t know, son.
– Dad, where did Napoleon die?
– Umm… I don’t know, son.
– Dad, who invented the flu vaccine?
– Umm… I don’t know, son.

At this moment, the mother says to the kid:
– Stop bothering your father!
And the father replies:
– Let him ask questions. How else is he going to learn?
– Mom, was I born in New York?
– Yes.
– And dad, he was born in Baltimore, right?
– Yes, that’s right .
– And you were born in Philadelphia?
– Yes, sweetie. But why are you asking me all these questions?
– Because I think it’s a funny coincidence that we all have finally met!
A grandfather tells his grandson:
– One day I was sailing on the Nile river and I was attacked by twenty crocodiles.
I shot them all!
– But Grandpa, you told me this story last year, and there were only ten crocodiles!
– Umm… Yes, but you were too young to know the whole truth!
Sophie comes home after visiting a dentist.
– Does your tooth still hurt?
– I do not know, Mom. I left it at the dentist.
A baby snake asks his mother:
– Mom, am I venomous?
– No, why are you asking, darling?
– Because I bit my tongue!
– Hi, Johnny.
– Hi, Granny.
– If you tell me how much candy I have in my hand, I will give you both.
– You have two!
– Who told you?
Two translators are talking when boarding a ship.
“Do you know how to swim?” says one of them.
“No,” answers the other, “But I can shout ‘Help!’ in nine languages.”
At a dinner party in a big house, a guest asks another guest:
– Do you know where the restroom is?
– Near the kitchen.
– And where is the kitchen?
– Near the restroom.
Two men want to carry a really heavy sofa to the 8th floor.
Unfortunately, the elevator is too small for such a large sofa.
So they took the stairs.
At the top, one says to the other:
– Hey, I have good and bad news.
The Good: We are finally on the 8th floor.
The Bad: We are in the wrong building.
– We are a very curious family.
– How so?
– Well, my sister is taking French and Spanish classes.
My mother is taking cooking and dancing classes.
I am taking private tennis classes.
– And your father?
– And my father is going bankrupt!
5-year-old Bob has never spoken a single word.
One day he said at lunch: “There is no salt in the soup”.
His shocked parents look at each other with disbelief.
The mother finally asks with a shaky voice: “Bob, why didn’t you say anything all this time? We were so worried”.
Bob: “Why would I? So far the food was alright. “
The proud father proudly brags in front of his guests how well his one-year-old son can already speak.
“Billy, say rhinoceros!”
The little boy crawls to the table, pulls himself up at the edge of the table, looks around skeptically and asks: “To whom?”
The telephone rings at the Brown’s house.
A little boy answers: “Hello?”
“Hello, this is Mrs. Wyatt. Is your mom there?”
“Yes.”
“Can I talk to her?”
“No, she’s busy at the moment.”
“Is your dad there?”
“Yes.”
“Can I speak to him?”
“No, he’s busy right now.”

“Is anyone else there?”
“Yes, the police.”
“Can I talk to one of the policemen?”
“No, they are busy right now.”
“Is anyone else there?”
“Yes, the fire department.”
“Can I talk to one of the firefighters?”
“No, they are busy right now.”
“What are they all doing?
“They are looking for me!”
A grandma shows the driver the ticket.
“This is a child ticket, Ma’am”, says the driver.
“You see how long I have been waiting for a bus!”
A man walks through the city with a penguin on his arm.
Stranger: “Where did you get the` penguin?”
Man: “Oh, don’t get me started. I’m trying to figure where to go with him”
Stranger: “Take him to the zoo.”
After a few hours, the three meet again.
Stranger: “But I told you to take him to the zoo!”
Man: “Yes, we’ve been there. Now we are going to the movie theater.”
A madman in the store: “I need six burned light bulbs!”
Salesman: “What do you want to do with them. They are no longer useful.”
Madman: “Well, I’m preparing a darkroom.”
Famous traveler: “… and when the lion was after me, I saved myself on a tree at the last second!”
Audience: “But there are no trees in the desert.”
Traveler: “At that moment I didn’t care.”
Doctor: “You must lose weight! You have to eat less than a thousand calories a day!”
Mrs. Campbell:” Before or after meals? “
Doctor: “With the help of this medicine, you can finally sleep through the night!”
Patient: “That’s great, and how often do I have to take it?”
Doctor: “Every two hours!”
Gardener: “I finally managed to grow round bananas!”
Colleague: “That’s great.”
Gardener: “The only downside is that they taste like oranges!”
A boy asks his father in the grocery store:
– Dad, why are you only checking the lowest shelves?
– To find the lowest prices.
Old Worker: “We used to have to work 25 hours a day!”
Apprentice: “The day has only 24 hours.”
Old Worker: “We would start an hour earlier!”
Joe applies to a lumberjack job.
Manager: “What did you do before that?”
Joe: “I was a lumberjack in the Gobi Desert!”
Manager: “But there are no trees there.”
Joe: “Yes, not anymore!”
The situation in a courtroom.
Judge to the first of defendants: “Well, what did you do?”
First defendant: “I threw the stone into the river!”
Judge: “This is not a crime. Acquitted!”
Judge to the second defendant: “And what offense did you commit? ”
Second defendant: “I helped throw the stone into the river!
Judge: “That’s not a crime either. Acquitted! ”
Judge to the third Defendant: “And what did you do?”
Third defendant: “I am the stone, Your Honor! Bill Stone!
Quizmaster: “What’s the difference?”
Candidate: “Between what?”
Quizmaster: “I’m sorry, I’m not allowed to help!”
– Daddy, where is Africa?
– No idea, I guess your mother cleaned it up.
Mother: “Annie, would you rather have a brother or a sister?”
Annie: “Oh, if it’s not too hard for you, Mom, I’d like a pony.”
Markus stares happily in the mirror and shouts to his mother:
– Mom, I won’t get pimples anymore!
– Why not?
– There’s no more space.
Mommy talks to her children:
– Children, Aunt Anna is leaving. What do you have to say?
– Thank God!
An announcement in Kindergarten:
“Dear parents! Please do not believe everything that your child tells about kindergarten!
In turn, we promise you we will not believe everything they say about you.”
Father comes to kindergarten to pick up his son.
– Which one is yours?
– Who cares? Anyway, tomorrow he’ll be back.
A woman left a note for her husband:
“Dear, pick up our child from kindergarten.
PS. He will recognize you!”
– Grandpa, how old are you?
– Sixty.
– Can you show on your fingers!
In a huge cave, bats hang heads down as they should. Only one is sitting with its head up.
– Why is that bat upside down?
– She’s doing yoga.
Mom asked her son:
– What would you like to receive for your birthday?
– A horse, a truck and to not brush my teeth for three days!
Family at the table.
Mother:
– Son, what do you want for lunch?
Son:
– I want the same as Dad.
Mother:
– I think it’s time for you to have your own opinion instead of looking at other people?
A son:
– Well, then I want the same as you.
Mother:
– Well done, son!
– Dad, did dinosaurs have enemies?
– They did. Meteors.
A boy drew a picture of his Dad:
– Wow, nice picture. But why my hair is yellow?
– Because I couldn’t find a bald crayon.
A man was wandering around the desert for three days when he saw a bottle.
He rubbed the bottle and genie appeared.
– Tell me your wish! I can make any wish come true!
– I want to go home!
A genie takes a man by the hand and leads him.
– But I want to get home faster!
– Well, then run!
– Waiter, what is crawling in my salad?
– Vitamins, sir!
A man is flying on a plane for the first time and he is a little nervous.
He looks out the window and turns to the man next to him:
– Look, the people below are so small! They look like ants!
– These are ants! We didn’t take off yet!
– Dad, why is the eagle flying in one place for so long?
– Probably, he’s out of gas.
In the late evening, a boy comes up to his father and asks:
– Dad, what’s closer, the Moon or New York?
– Son, you’re already big, and you should be ashamed to ask such silly questions.
Look out the window and look at the sky. What do you see there?
– The Moon.
– Right. And do you see New York anywhere?
– No.
– Make your conclusions then.
A man comes home with a big pack of candies and says to his children:
– Whoever obeys their mother, who always listens to her, who always does everything she says, will get these candies. So, who’s getting the candies?
Children:
– You, dad!
– Dad, what is a zebra?
– Well, just imagine a barcode on four legs.
The boy comes to his Dad:
– Dad, I have two questions for you.
– Yes, son!
– First, can I have more allowance money? Second, why not?
The boy asks his Dad:
– Dad, when did you get married?
– At twenty-four.
– And Mom?
– At twenty-two.
– So, my mother got married two years earlier than you?
A big, good-natured dog licked the child. The child got scared and started crying. His Mother screamed:
– Did he bite you?
– No, he tasted me.
– Dad, when I grow up, I will become a great singer!
– Knock on a tree.
– No, better yet, I’ll be a great writer!
– Knock on a tree.
– No, a great boxer!
– Knock on a tree.
– But, Dad, why should I always knock on a tree?
– Because we are woodpeckers.
A Mother is trying to convince her husband to build a bench in the backyard
– You are strong, you can do it.
– I am smart. I’m not even gonna try.
The lion gathered all animals in the forest. He commanded:
– All handsome animals make a step forward. All smart ones a step backward!
Everyone moved except for the monkey.
– Monkey, why are you not moving?
– I don’t know how to move forward and backward at the same time!
An accountant reads a Cinderella story to his 4-year-old daughter.
His daughter is so fascinated with the story, especially the part when the pumpkin turns
into a carriage.
— Dad, when a pumpkin becomes a carriage does it count as revenue or a profit?
Mother with her little child at the dentist office:
– Sweetie, dear, please open your mouth. Let the dentist have his fingers back!
A passenger is on the airplane for the first time. The height is 30,000 feet.
The passenger doesn’t feel well
Suddenly he sees a little angel and a little demon.
– Are you scared? asks the angel.
– Yes, I am s-s-scared.
– You probably want to get to the ground as soon as possible…
– Yes, I do.
Angel turns to the demon.
– What are you staring at? Quickly shut down the engine!!!
– I have two identical twin daughters.
– And how do you tell who is who?
– By birthmarks.
The blonde has a birthmark on her left hand, and the brunette has it on her right hand.
Grandma came from the hair salon after getting a very short haircut. Her grandson looked at her for some time and finally said:
– Grandma, you don’t look like an old woman anymore.
– Thank you for such kind words!
– You look like an old man now.
– Mom, has Grandma been in great grandma’s belly?
– Yes.
– And have you been in Grandma’s belly?
– Yes.
– And I was in yours?
– Yes.
– I knew we are Russian dolls!
A woman to her husband:
– Do you see this man in the picture?
– Yes.
– Pick him up tomorrow at 5 pm from the Kindergarten.
An old woman is riding a bus with her 5-year-old grandson. He asks in a loud voice:
– Grandma, how old are you?
She doesn’t want to tell her age in a crowded bus.
– Grandma, can you tell me the first digit at least?
– Five.
– And second?
– Four.
– And third?
A boy threw a coin to the fountain so he can return back one day. And he returned because he did not have enough money for the bus.
Mom, does Dad have parents?
– Of course, he does. Grandma and Grandpa are his parents.
– And why did they give him to us?
Teacher: “How old is your father?”
Kid: “He is 6 years old.”
Teacher: “What? How is it possible?”
Kid: “He became a father only when I was born.”

Image credit: Pixabay

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